Donald Trump, President of the United States, because he is so germ-phobic that I could pee in a glass, tell him it’s apple juice, and that using a squeeze bottle with a pointy tip to squirt some up his butt is the height of healthy sexual pleasure. And, of course, he would accept because I am a black woman from Haiti, and, in response to his shithole comments, he is quoted as saying, “I want them to come in from everywhere.”
Rodrigo Duterte, President of the Philippines, because I kinda like rough sex, and he is on the record as making these two extraordinary statements: the first, to his elite armed police units—“When it comes to human rights…my order to you: do not answer. Do not bother.” And the second, about a jailed missionary who was gang-raped in one of his prisons, “I was angry because she was raped, that’s one thing. But she was so beautiful, the mayor should have been first. What a waste.” He was referring to himself when he was mayor before being elected president. I can’t wait. It’s definitely going to be a rough night.
Clarence Thomas, Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States, because I like kinky sex. Even though he denied all that pubic hair/Coke stuff, making sexually graphic descriptions to female colleagues about films he’d seen, and was a regular customer of pornographic rentals, I’m thinking he’s as kinky as they get! Plus, if I turn out to be wrong, I can fully expect him to lie there, staring at the ceiling, like he does during all Supreme Court hearings. While this turn of events would be disappointing, the only outcome would be me walking away, unfortunately unscathed. And that, I can live with.
Michel Martelly, former president of Haiti, because I like it when they talk dirty to me. During carnival 2018 in February, Martelly rode up on his float to current president Jovenel Moise, his lackey, who was hanging out in his stand, and referred to the zozo between his legs. (Zozo means cock in Haitian Creole.) During sex, class, I can do without.
Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, because his former wife called him a vampire, and I always thought vampires were sexy. Plus, the majority of Russian women think of him as a modern day superhero. Can they all be wrong? Sex with a superhero vampire is definitely on my bucket list.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Trump White House Press Secretary, because she lies so well. We all know that everyone lies about sex—before, during and after—and I reserve my right to do so with as much chutzpah as this walking, smirking sack of lies. Hell, I want to learn from the best!
Harvey Weinstein, Producer and former head of Miramax, because I love a man who offers to massage me as a prelude to sex. At last count, 85 women have come forward with salacious stories of sex offers from Handsome Dude, and most of them include offers of massage. I want him!
Ben Carson, US Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, because of his lavish ways, which must mean he is an extremely generous lover. Plus, that he doesn’t even care, or care to be informed about his wife’s extraordinary outlays on high-ticket decor items makes him a champion in my book, and a likely champion in the sack.
Anderson Cooper, Journalist and TV personality, because I really like saying his name—Anderson—and it obviously turns him on. I’ve never seen an Anderson Cooper interview, where the subject doesn’t say “Anderson” at least three or four times while answering one of his questions. Forced repetition of his name must be written into the contract of anyone agreeing to be interviewed by the star. And I figure that must be because it makes him hard. Anderson, Anderson, Anderson. I’m getting so excited at the thought!
Bill Cosby, beloved actor and comedian until recently, because I’m interested in all kinds of experiences, and the idea of being drugged and raped by a necropheliac just knocks me out.
Bill Maher, Comedian, Political Commentator and TV host, because he’s so damned funny; and laughing up a storm, especially while having sex, is so much fun! Only problem I worry about is if I fail to crack up at one of his jokes or remarks. Because he then turns abusive, obnoxious, and insulting, which I hate, is no fun at all, and makes me want to leave the room.
Ben Affleck, Actor, because who can resist that tattoo!
Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany, because she is obviously so open to letting everyone into her territory. She would be pure, welcoming pleasure.
Ava Duvernay, Film Director, Producer, Screenwriter, because I like risky sex, and based on her past projects, I get the feeling she’s going to be a lightning rod in bed! She took on the biopic of the mythical MLK, and kicked ass with it (Selma); an Oscar nomination followed. She landed another Academy award nomination for her revealing and gutsy doc on the causes behind the mass incarceration of black men in America (13th). And her latest film (A Wrinkle in Time) has, at its root, the message that “…the villain is the darkness inside of you,” she said. You gotta be bold to say that out loud and in Technicolor because that particular conceit is considered by many to be so much new age psychobabble. Except that it’s not; and having the courage to confront your own demons is what it takes, if we are to live harmoniously with one another on this planet.
Michelle and Barack Obama, Former First Lady and Former President of the United States, because, in spite of the fact that I love rough, kinky, dirty, lying, massaging, extravagant, coma-inducing, funny and risky sex partners, I would like to have a ménage-a-trois with these two because I also love elegant, sexy, smart, gorgeous, progressive, fit, and healthy lovemaking playmates, who have a way with words. In fact, I think I prefer those most of all!
Oh Carine, you kicked it out of the park (and right into the bedroom). And laughing is by far my favorite med.
I’ll have what she’s having!!!! Hahahaha!
WOW!
Great fun. I’d recognize that “voice” anywhere..
Brutal and hilarious. I LOVE this essay and its author. She writes like the love child of Gedelia and Rabelais.
Talk about going off the rails. Girl, get yourself a vibrator! (Except for that last one–I totally get it!)
Carine…you now have superseded yourself. Outlandish and crazy funny!
Is this blog too racy for Huff???
When’s the orgy?
Thank you so much!