Carine Fabius

Words To (Not) Live By

Originally published on

Hello, here are some words I would like to obliterate from our vocabulary, dictionaries, lexicons and consciousness.

Bureaucracy (byuu-rok-ra-see) – excessive official routine
How does bureaucracy sound? No, ma’am, I can’t schedule that appointment for you until your doctor faxes us an authorization; No, ma’am, we can’t set up online management of your corporate account until we order an ATM bank card for you (even if you don’t want or need one); Yes, ma’am, if you want to raise the limits of liability on one of your cars, you will have to do it for all three of the cars on this policy. I am so sick of talking to robots, aren’t you?

Cancer (kan-ser) – a disease in which malignant growths form
I think everyone on this planet can say that they know someone who has cancer, someone who had cancer, or someone who died from it. And far too many can say that they currently have cancer. Who invited this bastard to the party?

Depression (di-presh-on) – a state of excessive sadness or hopelessness, often with physical symptoms
Has depression reached epidemic proportions, or what? Every time I turn around, some formerly rational friend is having trouble making simple decisions, is crying about something that happened years ago, wants to get into bed and stay there, feels like life isn’t worth living or is reaching for Xanax, Prozac or Wellbutrin. Is there something in the Kool-Aid? Whatever the cause, this piece-of-crap mental state of affairs is pissing me off and needs to get the hell out of town by sundown.

Racism (ray-siz-em) – belief in the superiority of a particular race
What does racism look like? People in white robes and pointy hats (unbelievably silly); individuals with sunburns on their necks (Haven’t they heard about skin cancer?); Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas (Was that guy born blind and raised by a white family wearing pointy hats?); a dead young boy carrying candy and wearing black skin and a hoodie in a mixed neighborhood; more black men in prison today than were enslaved in 1850. Holy bloodhound! Black men make up 40.2 percent of all prison inmates even though they constitute just 13.6 percent of the U.S. population. What’s up with that? Racism is unbearably old-fashioned, committed to being dull, noisome and has zero sense of humor. This sucker’s from another planet and he’s breathing too much of our air. Let’s send him back.

Insomnia (in-som-ni-a) – habitual sleeplessness
Check it out: that’s me waking up two hours after going to bed—usually for a trip to the bathroom—and then rousing again between four and five o’clock and staying awake until 45 minutes before I have to get up at eight. Isn’t that nice? To Satan, maybe; but I am not Satan. That bleary-eyed, thick-witted person you see bumping into walls around four in the afternoon? That’s me too. And I am not wrong when I say there are multitudes that look just like me. Human beings are meant to lie down when they are tired, fall asleep, stay that way for a consecutive number of hours, and then get up feeling refreshed, lively and ready to start the day. Something is wrong with this picture and I’m blaming it on the hostile jackass who will only retreat if you throw Ambien at him. Forget warm milk and homeopathic pellets; that’s for puppy dogs. Insomnia has invaded the lives of people over 50 at an alarming speed. We need to write that out-of-control asshole’s name on a chalkboard and then erase the shit out of him.

Do I seem just the tiniest bit angry to you? Honey Badger don’t care! Besides, getting mad is often the first step to taking action. Let’s go after that cancer bastard and give him a grand escort out of town. Care to join me in forming a posse?

What’s got you heaving?

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