1. If your owner calls your name, walk or dash off in the opposite direction. One must never let a caretaker or anyone in a position of power think they hold the key to your happiness because everyone knows that the source of joy comes from within.
2. If you detest the food you are served, refuse to eat it to the point of starvation. If life serves you an unpalatable portion, just say no, and keep saying no until the universe understands that you will not compromise on quality.
3. If you’re going to scratch someone, wave your tail first. If someone you know annoys you enough so that you want to pounce, claws first, to make them stop, cover yourself by alerting them that bleeding is likely to occur should they persevere.
4. It is crucial to look a person squarely in the eye when expressing discontent or intense love. When making an important point, there is nothing more effective than focusing like a laser into the pupils of your loved one or enemy. Hold their gaze and refuse to look away until the message sinks in. Do not blink!
5. When using your litter box, nudge some litter into a pile, do your business, then cover it up with more litter. When life calls for unsavory and stinky but necessary tasks, be deliberate about doing it right, clean up after yourself so no one ever needs revisit the ugly chore, and then walk away quietly, congratulating yourself on a job well done.
6. If you run into a canine on the street, freeze. If you suspect an iffy character of evil intentions, stop, turn around, and look directly at him so he knows you’ve seen him (and can describe him). This way he’ll understand you’re no wilting flower and that you won’t go down without a fight. Wolves only attack pussycats.
7. Whenever you feel like it, stop, lick your paw and rub your body with it. When you feel blue, old or overwhelmed, stop whatever you’re doing and, 1) put on some lipstick; 2) get a fabulous new haircut; 3) buy yourself a trendy dress or pair of pants. In other words, groom; it’ll make you feel better.
8. If someone is rubbing your belly or caressing your neck, after a moment, move far enough away so that they can’t quite reach you. When indulging in unbearably pleasurable activities—like eating rich food, enjoying an exquisite wine, kissing or making love—it is useful to take a short pause in order to fully appreciate or reassess the situation.
9. Just because you can take a really big fall and land on your feet does not mean you have nine lives. Risky behavior is necessary sometimes; just don’t get too cocky.
10. When you feel good, purr so loudly they’ll hear you in the other room. Bitching is commonplace. Showing appreciation is rare. Let ‘em know you mean it.
11. After killing a rodent or bird, display its remains in a spectacularly public place. Let’s face it; we live in a self-promoting world, so what the hell. Join the masses and flaunt your triumphs. If you don’t, who will?
Warning: If you happen to be an animal activist and spend your time protesting against testing on lab rats, please skip to #13.
12. If you spy a rat, attack it with full force. Play with it, torture it a little, chew on it, whatever, just terrorize it. Nobody likes a rat. They give up their friends before even being threatened; they spread diseases; they turn perfectly nice landlords into slumlords; they arrive uninvited and refuse to leave; they’re big, fat, gray and can be vicious…the list goes on and on. If you run into such an individual, do us all a big favor and scare the bastard to death.
13. If your loved one leaves an item of clothing within your reach, lie down on it and leave your fur all over it. Your love affair with your partner’s scent, energy and being is thrilling to him/her. Though they might appear annoyed, they will secretly revel in having to take their garment to the cleaners because of you.
14. When someone is expressing undying love toward you, they should understand that they might get scratched. It may be a cliché that we most hurt the ones we love but it’s true. Wounding a loved one is often unintentional, and an unavoidable consequence of being the weird humans that we are. Wear that scratch like a medal; it shows you’re brave enough to engage in the dangerous act of loving. Meow.
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