If you are one of those Independent or undecided voters, here is a helpful list of reasons you may have overlooked, which should help tilt your vote toward the prez.
1. He’s Black! Any right-thinking person knows that black people are cooler than white people, and that it’s hip if your party is sprinkled with a few black guests. Go ahead, ask someone–anyone–if they hang with blacks, and they will say, “Some of my best friends are black!” People in every white country I’ve ever visited wish, wish, wish they, too, had a black president. They look at us with wistful longing in their hearts, dreaming of the day they will be able to say, “Look, we’re not racist; we elected a black president!” We are the envy of the world. Why would you ever want to give up that kind of advantage?
2. He’s not French! No disrespect meant to the French. Really, I’m even married to a Frenchman (bet you thought I was going to say, “Some of my best friends are French!” didn’t you?). But, check it out, during his election night acceptance speech, French President François Hollande said it proudly and loudly, “I AM a socialist!” Oh, goodness, just imagine if Obama was French and admitted to being a socialist. A cursory look at his economic policies would quickly lay waste to that premise, branding him a liar, bringing scandal and shame upon our heads. Your hands should be wringing at the thought.
Plus, the French president isn’t even married to his longtime girlfriend! Oh, the complexities of it all. Does she accompany him on State trips to places like Saudi Arabia, where women are still forbidden to drive because some fear it would “provoke a surge in prostitution, pornography, homosexuality and divorce”, and most certainly lead to “no more virgins”? Man, alive. Thank heavens Obama is an American with a good old-fashioned wife.
3. Which brings me to my third point. He’s married! He managed to find a cool but spicy black woman with sexy arms, who can dance, dress with style, and whose cause is an initiative everyone can get behind: Moving. Who among us doesn’t wish they were more motivated to get off their fat asses and lose some of that weight they put on nine Christmases ago, when they spent all their time scarfing up leftover turkey and ham while sitting in front of the tube watching unwatchable reality shows, incurring self-hatred, guilt and unrealistic resolutions all at once? He is not living in sin. He’s married. And he’s married to her!
4. He’s scandal-proof! Though they’ve tried and tried to find some dirt on Obama, he has not been caught sexting to an underage groupie, having affairs with interns or sex workers, or tweeting some unfortunate knee-jerk commentary to his millions of followers. He is too thoughtful, deliberate and composed to ever do anything without thinking it through to its ultimate conclusion–although raw emotion did win the day the time he accused Hillary Clinton of being “likable enough.” Bad, bad boy, Obama. There is nothing embarrassing in his tax returns, he has not fathered an illegitimate child and he doesn’t wear a comb-over. Although he has been accused of attending the church of a fiery preacher who occasionally gets pissed at America and of liking arugula, Barack Obama will never make America ashamed of him. Even though this writer sometimes wishes the prez would grow an afro, stick a pick in it and get down with his bad self, he won’t. He will never round up a bunch of his Chicago homies and roughhouse some of those No, No, No, republican members of congress into seeing things his way; it’ll never happen. That would be scandalous. And Obama doesn’t do scandal.
5. Barack Obama is not Mitt Romney! Enough said.
Oh, all right. Obama may be another politician who has reneged on some of his campaign promises–like being against a healthcare public option before he was for it and then giving it up; or instituting trials for “enemy combatants” in U.S. federal courts–but he does not engage in the Kafkaesque behavior of his opponent, who says the equivalent of, “No, I didn’t,” when he is on record as already having done it, i.e., the Romney Massachusetts healthcare reform, which he now disavows, the man’s consistently inconsistent views on abortion, etc. If he tells outrageous lies before getting into office, imagine what he would do should he ever make it there! He might just take on another two or three wives, make forcible rape the new term for sexual intercourse, turn the White House into a holding pen for lost boys, declare that all traveling dogs must be strapped to the roof of cars, and institute a policy of mandatory outsourcing of all taxable income to offshore accounts while all the time insisting, No, I didn’t!
As far as I’m concerned, the above five reasons should be enough to close the deal, but in case you’re very bad at making decisions or just have a terminal case of the wishy-washies, and still need additional motivation, here it is.
6. Your wife will never leave you as long as Obama is president! His smile makes women swoon. When he sings Al Green’s song, Let’s Stay Together, they go absolutely frantic with longing. This manageable object of their desire is exactly the kind of competition you want. Because even though they want him, they cannot have him. He is the kind of president who doesn’t fool around. So, while your wife may fantasize about him while in the bedroom with you, it’s the kind of fantasy you can live with. It’s a safe fantasy. It’s Obama.